I’m so confused and hurt.

I’ve know Aaron for 7 years. We met in 7th grade, went to the 8th grade dance together, and ended up “dating.” I go on vacation to California the summer after 8th grade, and I get a call saying he moved to live with his dad again. That ended what we had and was the first time we were apart. Life rolled on, and I didn’t care. Then he came back. It was the summer after sophomore year (so Aaron says), and we hang out for the first time in two years. Then a unique friendship unfolds that is unlike any other friendship I’ve ever had. We were inseparable. Our moms kept saying how we were going to get married one day, but I thought that was weird. We were just best friends, and that’s all we were. Then slowly we drifted apart again and went our separate ways. This time it was because our relationships with other people (boyfriends/girlfriends). Then after some time apart, we were brought back together again. Of course we still had this unique connection. We grew to love each other over the years. I never thought about him as more than a friend. 

And then there’s now. We’re brought back together again, close like the high school years. But it’s different now. I started to think about the possibility of marrying him one day. He is my best friend and why else would we keep getting brought back together? It would be totally awesome to marry my best friend! We’d even have a cute story to tell everyone, and he has my favourite hair-eye combo. They’re stupid things, really, when I don’t feel like he could lead me. 

I just want an answer. Am I going to marry Aaron? Am I wasting my time? What the heck should I do? Why is it SO hard?

I know that we should work on ourselves and get our own, separate lives together and in order. But it’s so hard to focus on that when we have these feelings for each other. They’re obviously strong.

The thing is, he can’t even support himself, so how can I expect him to support me? And if he can’t support me, then why would I be with him? (Not saying I should rely on him for that, but a husband is supposed to support and lead.) 

It’s just so hard. I don’t know if I should just move on and give up all hope, or if I should just hang in there and trudge through this with him by my side.

I feel like I’m a lot more mature than he is, and when I talk to him about getting a real job that’s going to give him more than 8 hours a week, I feel like I’m talking to a child. He puts up a defense every time I express my concerns. I feel like no one listens to me. I DO know what I’m talking about! I discuss these things with trusted, Godly adults, and they say the same thing. I don’t get why he can’t just get a good job that schedules him 8-hour days, 5 days a week like a typical adult! Why can’t he just get his priorities straight?! I don’t understand how it’s so hard to get a job and start school. If you don’t have money, then figure out how to make some! Don’t rely on other people, and DON’T be a people-pleaser! That drives me crazy. 

He always has some excuse, and he doesn’t realise that it’s stupid. He thinks it’s hard for him? Well what about me? I rely on everyone to help me raise my son because I can’t find a job. I’m not going to get a job, put Heiden in daycare, spend my entire check on paying for daycare, and have someone else raise my son. That’s not acceptable to me. And it’s hard to find a job that has a daycare inside of it or that even allows you to bring your child with. I just want a job, so that I can support Heiden and myself. I want to move out into my own place. It makes me feel like such a failure to have to rely on others. In no way am I complaining about my situation as if it were a mistake or something I regret. I’d rather be a mom to Heiden than do anything else. I just need money! It’s hard. And it’s even harder when the adult male you live with pushes you CONSTANTLY about getting a job and how you should be going to school and not being lazy and quit being a mooch and blahblahblah. It doesn’t help!! I moved away from my mom because I was tired of getting treated like crap and belittled. I didn’t move here to get what I feel is the same thing. I know he doesn’t mean it like that, but it still HURTS beyond belief. 

Then I pray, and it’s like I don’t get an answer. And, yeah, I have to wait sometimes because I can’t expect God to just give me answers right when I want them. But it’s hard! I obviously don’t fully grasp that my future is in God’s hands. But at the same time, I need to work towards that too. He’s not just going to hand me everything! I have to work at it. I’m just SO confused.

And I feel like everything’s falling apart.

The people I thought were my friends aren’t. The person that said, “I don’t want to lose you” completely ignores me now. 

And tonight sucked.

Yeah, Aaron said he was going to hang out with Steven tonight at 11, but I kind of forgot and didn’t expect Steven to pick him up from my house. As I’m driving us back to my house, we’re finishing an “argument” we had on the way to church. I express my feelings and tell him everything about how it’s hard for me. I have never admitted that to anyone because I’m trying to be strong. I almost cry, for Pete’s sake! That never happens. And then within 5 minutes of being home, Aaron tells me that Steven and Kyle are outside of my house. I’m beyond confused and thinking that they’re here to hang out. And Aaron tells me he has to go, which confuses me even more! I don’t appreciate that he leaves right after I almost broke down in front of him. Obviously I need someone to talk to about stuff. I told him I felt like he was ditching me, even though he said he’d be hanging out with them later. It’s just the fact that he’s getting picked up from my house. That’s just rude!! Why can’t he just be there for me? Why wouldn’t he be like, “Hey, I’m seeing a movie at xx:xx, and I need to be home by xx:xx so that they can pick me up?” Or something like that?! Why would Steven even think it’s ok to be in my driveway after he’s ditched me countless times and ignored my calls?! THAT’S NOT OK!!! If you’re going to be a jerk, don’t show up in my driveway if you’re not here to fix things. That’s a horrible thing to do. And I can’t believe Aaron would even hang out with him and not say something like, “Why are you being such a jerk to Maddy? She doesn’t deserve this!” I just don’t understand. These are all things that I would do. They seem like common sense. If a mutual friend is treating friend A like trash, then friend B should stick up for friend A! It’s so dumb!!! And why wouldn’t Steven and Kyle come to the door and say hi to me? It takes FIVE SECONDS to do that! Do I really mean that little to you? Seriously? People are so rude.

I feel completely and totally betrayed, like I’m worthless to him and Steven. You can’t say you love me then show me otherwise with your actions. Back your crap up!! And don’t even dare use the word “love” so freely. 

I’m just appalled. 

I’m so tired of everyone hurting me. I’m sensitive. Check yourself, and I’ll check myself. Don’t act like you’re so perfect and know everything and are holier than thou because you’re older or whatever. 

I don’t deserve any of this.

You’re not showing Christ’s love, and you certainly can’t do that if you don’t even know Him.

So get over yourself. 

(Source: maddyinchrist)